I LOVE darts. Not playing it, of course. Not watching it,obviously. It's the whole idea of darts I love. There can be nothingmuch wrong with a universe that demands that grown men throwweearras at a board while thousands cheer.
There can be little wrong, too, with a sport that makes suchdemands on its competitors. The Tour de France is rocked by thedrugs that the cyclists choose to use to endure. The football worldis perturbed by the increase in metatarsal injuries as boots getthinner and players stronger. Darts faces an injury crisis when atop-ranked player is forced out of a tournament because of theeffects of morbid obesity.
Darts, too, is the natural habitat of the geezer. The guy who hasa mate who knows a mate who . . . The chap who has more gold than aroomful of rappers. The man who knows there is more than one way ofskinning a cat and can recycle the subsequent product as genuinemink.
The Grand Vizier of Geezers is Francis Robert George. Here are180 things you don't know about Bobby George, as revealed in hisautobiography. All right, 20 then.
1He claims to have two mothers. One who gave birth to him and onewho brought him up. How's that for starting on a double.
2He has an eye for darts. It doesn't run in the family. Hisgrandfather lost an eye in a knife fight. His father was registeredblind. Careful with those arrows, Bobby.
3He is a raconteur. 'Now and again, we had cheese as a treat. Weall loved cheese and Mum handed a chunk to me and asked me to cut itinto three pieces. My brother asked for an inch, then my sisterasked for an inch, which meant I was left with hardly anything. Mumsaw all this and hit me over the head, just for being plainstupid.'Mangez votre brie, David Niven and Peter Ustinov.
4When it comes to character Bobby's old Mum (No.2, of course)hits the bullseye. She once broke a guitar over Bobby's head after aslight disagreement.
5Bobby is a gentleman, not a scholar. 'Dad didn't believe in theeducation system and never allowed any of us to do any homework. Hewould rip it up and burn it on the fire.' Beats saying a dog ate it,I suppose.
6Bobby thus was left unable to count, something of a disadvantagefor a darts player. He made up for this by memorising finishingsequences.
7Bobby was instructed on the work ethic as a kid. 'Mam, can Ihave a pushbike.' Answer: 'If you want a pushbike, get off yourf****** a*** right now and get yourself a job.'
8Dad had an altercation with a cat. 'When it went for him withhis claws, he got hold of it and pulled its head right off.'Perhaps, it was insisting on doing homework.
9Dad wasn't big on DIY. He was asked when he was going to paintthe hall. 'When it smells, ' he replied.
10Bobby is a perceptive observer of foreign culture. 'We flewinto Los Angeles and I just couldn't get over howmany telegraphpoles there were.'
11Bobby mentions several MCs. One was called Les Treble. I wonderif he has a double.
12Bobby once had a dog that would jump up and fetch his dartsfrom the board. Buff could also head a football, get chocolatebuttons out of a pint glass and 'knew the meaning of over 40 words'.Buff did not eat homework. There was no call for it in Bobby'shouse.
13Bobby had a chocolate brown shirt with a big letter B on theright collar and a big letterG on the left, with matching trousers.Silver sequins decorated chest, sleeves and legs. This outfit wasdescribed by Bobby as 'nothing too fancy'.
14Talking of Eric Bristow and Maureen Flowers, Bobby says 'theywere the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of darts'. Well,perhaps in alcohol intake.
15Once he told Jocky Wilson on a trip to the Middle East thatonly men with a full set of teeth could be served alcohol. GumsyJocky stayed on the wagon for two days. Incidentally, Jocky was onceplaying snookerwhen he wanted to clean the white. He used his falseteeth as a marker.
16Bobby proclaims that in darts terms he was almost ateetotaller. 'I rarely drank to excess when playing darts.Occasionally, I would have a few pints - probably up to as many as20 at exhibitions.'
17Bobby knows his culture. 'The year 1984wasn't only a big oneforGeorge Orwell, it was also the year that changed my life.'
18The snout of a Ziphoid whale, which lived more than 250,000years ago, was found on his estate. It is not known if this was thewhale who didn't play darts.
19Bobby's great on sporting memories. On the the 1966 World Cupfinal: 'I was painting a bloke's front room in Chigwell with my backto the TV set.'
20He likes his gold. 'My pride and joy is a big heavy necklacemade from 46 separate nine-carat gold weddings'. Class. He may beall gold but he's a diamond geezer.
Taken from the wondrous Bobby Dazzler: My Story by Bobby George(Orion GBP18.99)
